Based on Episode 3 of The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project, originally produced by Andy Daly and Matt Gourley.
Visualized by Jon White.
Get Fit Now!
I’m gonna lead you through the workout of a lifetime.
Here’s how it works. I’m gonna walk you through a workout, but you can’t get started now, cause there’s a bunch of things you’re gonna need. This is a real-world, environment-based workout, and there’s a number of things I need to tell you to get right now, okay?
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Some comfortable clothes.
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One first-aid kit.
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One mother wolf.
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Two wolf pups (at least 10 pounds each; still nursing).
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A wolf guy.
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A knife guy.
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The most unstable person you know.
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A pen.
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One wolf enclosure.
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A river (the stronger the current, and wider, the better).
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One military climbing wall.
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One can of gasoline.
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One book of matches.
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One rifle with shoulder strap.
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One ski mask.
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One sleeping bag.
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One crown of thorns.
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One standard liability waiver.
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About 30 sharp, tactical knives.
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A bottle of water.
Okay, good job. You got all that stuff, it’s the night before your workout, and we’re all set.
What you need to do now is get a good night’s sleep, so you’re gonna get cozy in your sleeping bag there. Now, before you drift off, I want you to give the headphones to the guy who is there with you to help out with the wolves. He’s there with you now, he’s got the wolves in the wolf pen.
Give him the headphones right now.
Waaaaake uuuppp!
“I know I said you were gonna get a full night’s sleep, but it’s a lie! It’s time to get going! You’re at your most resting heart rate when you’re asleep, and I just jolted you out of it! The workout has begun.”
The Theft Of The Wolf Pups!
“While your friend is restraining the mother wolf, you’re gonna grab the
two wolf pups, okay? The two 10-pound wolf pups, and you’re gonna turn to your friend and you’re gonna say this, repeat after me: ‘Buddy, in ten minutes, I want you to release this mother wolf and then say a prayer for me.’ Okay?”
“Then you are gonna put on the crown of thorns like we talked about, and you’re gonna grab your rifle, and your ski mask, and your bottle of water, and your first aid kit, and you are gonna run! are you ready? do it! call the guy, do the thing, tell him — RUUUUUNN! Run!
And while you’re running, I want you to do bicep curls with the wolf pups.”
Run toward the river!
“You’re running, and you got wolf pups in your hands, and you’ve made that call to your unstable friend, and you don’t know what that’s about, and hopefully that’s making you a little bit worried. And you should be.
And you know that in 10 minutes your other buddy is going to release a mother wolf, who is gonna be, let’s just say, curious about where her wolf pups are.”
“Now you’re running in the direction of the river. Okay. And hopefully you’re feeling excited and optimistic about completing this workout.”
Guest introductions!
“I’m gonna entertain you a little bit, and we’re gonna do some chatting here.”
Victor!
- Giant
- Certified idiot
- Buries things (“there's no need to talk about that”) in the forest with Bill
Rochelle!
- Elf
- Harvests mushroom leather for shoes
- Victim of recurrent idea theft: Post-Its™, Coke™, the gesture of crossing one's fingers for good luck
Jesse Ventura!
- Former Governor of Minnesota; former Reform Party candidate for President
- “I would never set myself up as a guru; I’m more as a ringside commentator for the fitness of the human body.”
- Believes the American Medical Association is a conspiracy
- Acted in Predator; is convinced it was a documentary (“I started to get too close to the Predators and they took me out.”)
Mother wolf released!
“…But right now it’s time to tell you, listener, who’s got the headphones on: your friend has just released that mother wolf. And lemme tell you something: her sense of smell is far greater than you can imagine. She knows exactly where those pups are. She knows who has them, and she goddamn-well knows that she wants them back.”
“Now even if you’re in great shape, you can run about 11 miles per hour. That mother wolf runs 35 miles per hour. That’s how fast she can run in a sprint, and I’m promising you that she is sprinting. Because those wolf pups — they are very pack-oriented. To lose two pups is infuriating to a wolf! Infuriating!”
“You’ve got an angry mother wolf and she is headed straight for you. So if that doesn’t help motivate you toward that river — God, I don’t know what will.”
Crossing the river rapids!
“Now, I think, by now, if you’re not at the river, you’re fucked. Okay? Because you’ve given the mother wolf too much time to close in on you.”
“The more a wolf runs, the angrier it becomes.”
“Absolutely! Because her muscles are tiring out, and that is further infuriating to the wolf. And by the way: the wolf can get across this river every bit as easily as a person can. Even more so. Okay? You’re in grave danger, and you will continue to be in grave danger.”
Mother wolf still in pursuit!
“So right now, you should be on the other side of the river. You still have the wolf pups with you. They’re wet, they’re probably agitated, and they want their mother as much as their mother wants you, and if you haven’t made visual contact with her yet, then you’re a good runner.”
The knives field!
“Now, I want to tell the person that’s working out right now — I probably don’t have to tell you this — there’s a very good chance you’ve stepped on a knife. And there are 29 more of them buried in the ground, blade side up.
That’s what I told your friend to do. And he did it. So you’re gonna be bleeding from the foot, and that’s why you have the first aid kit. I want you to — if you need to, bandage up your foot if the blood is that bad. But if you can soldier on, soldier on.”
“Oh, and by the way: the next time you step on one of these knives, dig it up out of the ground. You’re gonna need it in a minute.”
Encouragement time!
“I got something to say to this jabrone. Listen, McMahon — he’s not in shape. He doesn’t know how to go through an obstacle course. I used to run from wolves. I used to fight Doink The Clown and his clown-midget partners, three at a time, while I was running across knives. You call this any kind of fitness? You’re out of shape and you’re going doooowwwwn, jabrone.”
“This is where I come in as your personal trainer.
And I get in your ear right now and I say, Don’t give up! You gotta make it! Come on now, you can do this! Dig deep, all the way from your bloody head to your bloody feet — you’re bleedin’ from both ends and a wolf is after you! And that wolf, by the way, can smell that blood! She knows exactly where her children are. Run! Run, you can do it — run!”
“You can run, but if you stay out of the ring you’re gonna be counted out. Go for the folding chairs!”
“I’ve operated a petty dictator in Panama for four hours like Attack of the Killer Clowns, with my hand up his back.”
The tragedy of the wolf pups!
“And let me say right now, my friend out there, running away from the wolf: We’re gonna solve that problem for you right now. because you’re headed into a much, much bigger problem, and you don’t need that wolf any more.
Remember I told you dig up one of those knives? Now is the time I need you to slaughter those two wolf pups.”
“Nothing short of that is gonna work.”
And you need to put them where the wolf mother is gonna find them, so she will stop chasing you. Okay? It’s not enough to let the wolves go free, because she’s still gonna associate your scent with the scent of these wolves. She might come after you.
She’ll have a mourning period. And she’ll be, whatever, and she’ll get over it — that’ll be fine.”
“I got a little tip for them, if they wanna throw the wolf mother off a little bit. Make it look like it was an accident. Draw up little wolf suicide notes and pin ‘em to the bodies.”
“If you end up doing this workout twice, second time, bring some paper, so you can write these suicide notes.”
“It’s not gonna be that eloquent. it’s gonna be basic mammalian survival communication. Howl one, howl two, survival howl, hungry howl, death howl.”
The seven stages of wolf grief!
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Howling
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Yelping
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Scratching your butt on the ground
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Sniffing, lots of sniffing
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Back to howling
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Vengeance
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Just go ‘welp’, then go wandering off to eat something
Back to the workout!
“Well, my friend who’s working out, I think you’ve learned a lot about fitness so far. And we’re hardly even scratched the surface, ‘cause the climax of this workout is potentially this… business where you’re gonna set this military climbing wall on fire and climb over it. And you gotta be real fleet-to-foot, my friend, otherwise you’re gonna burn alive. And so — this is exciting, your feet are bleeding —”
“Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut — keep it going.”
“— your head is bleeding, you’ve made it through rolling rapids of a river that’s, uh — that could’ve been numbing. God only knows what damage this person has sustained from that experience.”
“He’s done great so far.”
“Done great so far.”
“So you’ve been through the wringer, and the wringer’s only just started.”
Discussion of comparable workout songs!
“You are about to tackle the hardest part of this workout. (It’s not the end of the workout — there’s something after it, which is also gonna be very challenging.)
But right now, this is the hardest part. You’re gonna set that military climbing wall on fire, and you’re gonna climb over it as fast as you can.
And, I mean, if you take a second too long, you’re gonna be consumed in flames. And it may happen anyway! There’s a good chance. And you’re in no shape to climb anything with what’s happened to your feet. And not to mention the crown of thorns. You’re in a bad state.”
“But you’re gonna do this, and it’s gonna be hard, and so I say to myself: ‘What can help my listener get over this flaming climbing wall?’ What can do it? A great piece of music. A fantastic workout song.”
“And I’m thinking to myself, ‘What are some great workout songs?’ Well, I put it to you guys: What is the last decent workout song that’s been written in this country? Or anywhere in the world?”
“John Philip Sousa’s Washington Post March.”
“I don’t know if you can work out to that.”
“Love is a Battlefield. Pat Benatar.”
“You can’t work out to that song.”
“Johnny Cash’s Hurt.”
“No, that’s a terrible — Rochelle, that’s a terrible workout song. Here’s what I’m saying—”
♬ “I huurrrt myseelllff t’daaayyyy…” ♬
“That’s a horrible workout song.”
“Look, listen, here’s the answer to the question, and you guys all got it wrong: There hasn’t been a single decent workout song since Eye Of The Tiger from Rocky III. Survivor, 1982 or 3 — that is the last workout song that’s been written by anybody that was any goddamn good. And I said, ‘I gotta do something about this.’”
Introducing Spyryt!
“So I got on the phone to a guy I knew who at one time managed a band that I know you’re all familiar with called Spyryt.
And I says to him: ‘Spyryt are the guys to rectify this situation. Get Torque, Klaus, and Lionel over here. And have them write me a song that is every bit as inspiring, and every bit as good, as Eye of the Tiger. ‘Cause I gotta help my listener get over a flaming wall.’
And it happened. We pulled it together. The gentlemen — the people — of Spyryt are in this room!”
“Torque Kledge-Schpüler.”
“That's it.”
“…And Klaus, uh, I wrote 'em down — Klaus — Hafenstëngle, is it?”
“Ich bein Klaus-Hah-Fa-Shtangle. Aus Heidelberg.”
“And Lionel Ham— Hammer…”
“THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW.”
“We went on Genealogy.com. And they just kicked us off.”
“Because it’s possible he was, like, bastard child of a land baron. He has…baron blood. He has blaaeeeaau blood. But it is never acknowledged by the church. Ja.”
“Ja, ja.”
“Gee whiz! Unbelievable! What do you think of that, Jesse?”
“Well, I think Operation Paperclip — going back to the postwar era — they brought over Nazi scientists for NASA. I think they brought over some musicians as well.”
“That’s absolutely correct. I can confirm this. Ja. This was originally called ‘Operation Spirit.’ And then we made a band and changed it to Spyryt with y’s, spelled s-p-y-r-y-t. Because there is no i in ‘spirit.’ Only y’s, and the question is ‘why’, and the answer is ‘because there is no i,’ just circular poetry.”
Take the wall!
“Ladies and gentlemen, here’s what you’re going to do right now. You’ve already doused the military wall with gasoline. I want you to get a match ready, and when I say go, you’re gonna throw the match on the wall and you’re gonna get yourself over that wall as fast as possible to the tune of — this song, which is called what?”
“All The Way Tonight Parenthesis Look Of The Lion. End Parenthesis.”
“Throw the match!”
“I commissioned this song. and I says to myself, ‘I dunno how rock and roll works, whether they’re really going to be able to do this for me or not.’ And, I mean, I got sent the tape of this thing. And I says, anybody could do anything if they’re listening to this fucking song.”
“We sent you the demo tape in a hot air balloon.”
“Yeah, that’s right! It arrived in a hot air balloon. A zeppelin. And that, right there, was amazing.”
“There were 14 people killed just delivering the demo, I heard.”
“Ja. We had pyrotechnics which did not go off. Unfortunately, however, the captain was a cigar aficionado. …Journalist. Who was writing a—”
“Ja, he was not smoking.”
“But he writes articles for Cigar Aficionado magazine, and he himself is not a cigar aficionado?”
“No, but he is fascinated with camping. Und he struck two flints together, and that was his fatal mistake.”
“It was a petroleum hot air balloon.”
“All filled with petroleum?”
“Ja. That was part of the cachet. Bad choice in retrospect, I think, but—”
“I don’t even think you have to go to retrospect on that one.”
“The petroleum wasn’t even helping it to float in the atmosphere.”
“It was liquid.”
“Transporting it by airship. Almost asking for a disaster.”
“So the point is: we take our submissions seriously. Listeners.”
“Obviously, a lot of things happened here that are regrettable. But the song arrived, and it is fantastic.”
The end of the workout!
“Take some time, relax from the burns. But I need you to go to a liquor store and rob it.”
“And that’s gonna give you enough money to sign up at Trainer For The Stars Seeking Stars Dot Org to get some personal training sessions.”
“There’s a variable amount of funds that could be gotten from a liquor store robbery. So you have a sliding scale as long as it was obtained—”
“I don’t wanna get boned. Just tell me honestly what you got out of the liquor store, and that’s what I will charge you.”
“Do you take lottery tickets and scratch-offs?”
“Uhhhhh…yeah! Absolutely. 'Cause I believe every one of those is worth something.”
“What if i happened to still have the giant keys to a few cities in Minnesota, and I maybe unlock a treasury box? And maybe bring in some Minnesota funds? There’s no violence, but a little bit of larceny.”
“Could you pay for personal training sessions with stolen funds from the state of Minnesota? Procured with giant keys to the city? Absolutely.”
Epilogue: Spyryt!
“Vee are playing Sacramento.”
“Zat is where we live, and exclusively play there. In the Sleep Train Arena.”
“And we’ll be playing Kip Winger’s seven-year-old daughter’s backyard birthday party.”
Epilogue: Bill!
“Go to Trainer For The Stars Seeking Stars Dot Org, and you can sign up to be personally worked-out by me on a personal in-person basis.
I will not travel! You gotta be here on the West Coast. It’s gotta be within a two, three mile radius of where I live, which is The Mark Twain Hotel across from the post office there on Wilcox.”
“Will you accept people who are just passing through town?”
“Absolutely. Sometimes I hang down in the lobby of the Mark Twain and say, ‘Wanna get a workout?’”
Epilogue: Rochelle!
“I’m working on a story about a hamburger who has powers…”
“…that…are…can we talk about this later?”
“You can take off the crown of thorns now. I made my point with it.”